1. I cannot wait until Caleb is here. I cannot wait until all I have to worry about is him and his needs. I want to be able to hold him and kiss him and play with him without interruption. I want him to be the center of my attention, not my job and the overwhelming stress that comes with it. I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that sometimes I pray for bed rest or early labor (within the last month of my pregnancy, of course) just so I get more time with my son and less time to stress about work. All rational thinking makes me realize that this would not be good financially for my family; for me to miss more than my 6 weeks of work, but yet, I almost pray for some miracle where I can miss work and still be able to pay rent and bills.
2. I constantly feel guilty that I am not devoting enough time to my husband or my pregnancy. I do not eat right, I let everything stress me out, I am terrible about taking care of myself and remembering to take my vitamins, and I spend too much time with my mind on other things that aren't as important as my family. I wish that I could say that Caleb's nursery is completely decorated and ready for his arrival. I wish I could say that I come home each night and make an amazing dinner and then help clean the dishes. I wish I could say that I have helped unpack boxes and sort through stuff that should have been thrown out a long time ago. But, I can't say that I do any of these things because I've put other things before what really matters in life.
3. I am constantly exposed to children who don't just get to be kids; who are forced to grow up way too fast. I see children every day who get whatever their heart desires at the drop of a hat and don't know the importance of hard work, discipline, and respect for authority. It makes me more and more thankful each day that I was raised by two amazing parents who taught me all of these things. Not only do I have wonderful parents, but I have a whole network of friends and family members who truly care about me and my wellbeing. They are there for Zeb and me both; to go to for advice, to vent to, and to share happy times with. I miss being in a "small town" bubble sometimes, because that's where I felt truly cared about and loved the most.
4. I miss College Station and how things "used to be". I miss working in the Office of the Commandant with men and women who I had the utmost respect for. I miss working in the office of a 3-star General who I looked up to like a father or grandfather. I miss the privilege of working with a whole group of current and former military personnel, from the General, to Colonel Betty, to Gunny Parker. I miss the ladies in our office who were like sisters and crazy aunts to me. I miss the cadets I got to interact with everyday who, even when they were in trouble or making my job more difficult, they were respectful and always polite. I loved the atmosphere in that office. It was like a family to me and, even though I may have complained at the time of being bored at work or frustrated with some situations, I really was happy. Even though it was only part time, at student worker pay and we were broke I was truly happy to be where I was. I hated when I had to quit to make more time for my field experiences and student teaching. If life allowed it, I would drop everything and go back to A&M and find a job under General Van Alstyne, no matter the pay.
5. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss Greenville and all of its greatness. Of course I have Zeb and Scout to come home to every night, but here in Roanoke, I feel like that's the only thing familiar I have. It really is a lonely feeling to not have any other social outlets during the week. This is why we both feel the need to go "home" to Greenville on the weekends. I need familiarity and normalcy. I need my church family at Gateway. I know that in the future we will be put in a lot of unfamiliar situations, but there will be a commonality between us and other military families. It won't be hard to feel a sense of belonging and family.
It may sound like I'm ungrateful for my current job or current situation. Please don't misunderstand me; I am so thankful that I am employed when there are so many classmates that I graduated with that are still struggling to find employment. What makes me sad is that the past few months have made me doubt what I always believed I wanted to do with my life. One thing I know for sure is that I love working with children. But, I feel God is calling me to work with kids who need me because they have nothing else. All of the experiences I've had up until this year were working with children who were thankful for school because it was a place of refuge to them. Even in a orphanage in Mexico, where the children had nothing, I felt at home being there and ministering to those kids.
It's just been a really difficult last few months and it has really got me thinking about the future. One thing I know without a doubt is that, when Caleb arrives, he will be my main focus and I will be so happy to just be his mother. He is the greatest gift that God has ever given to me or Zeb and we are both so very thankful to be his parents. I'm not afraid to tell anyone reading this that I just need prayers and uplifting to get me through the next 93days. Sometimes I feel like I won't make it that far without breaking down but I am constantly reminded of God's provision and blessings and that makes the rough stuff feel a little better. At some point I may regret posting this "rant" but right now it just feels good to get it off my chest. If you've read this far, I apologize for sounding whine-y or for boring you.